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Have you ever been doing your practices and activities that work to keep you in balance only out of the blue those inner demons jump out with pitchfork in hand, poking holes in your happiness? I truly believe in these times, and I can be just as guilty as the rest of you, that I have bought into the illusion and deception that my self worth, my inner security, my being comfortable in my own skin is to be found by going to people/situations/things outside of myself! There I go searching everywhere for bread crumbs of validation, love, and contentment just so I can feel I matter, I am good enough, and I am amazing! That old tape has once again whispered to me that attention from a current or potential romantic partner, spending money on some piece of art, getting 15 likes on my social media post, or my co workers or friend telling me how special I am will be the key of my missing link to fulfill those times of feeling less than, rejected, or inferior.
Way back in my precious childhood I depended on my caregivers and others and any sense of rejection or invalidation felt like the fatal stabbing of my vulnerable heart. Because many of us were repeatedly hurt, rejected, and insecure (because we did not have the handbook to be powerful warriors yet) we carried feelings of shame and guilt into adulthood with skewed perceptions of who we really were. I am not here to blame any of those in authority roles for I truly believe they each did the best they could in raising us. They did not have the handbook either! However, until we find solutions to embrace our emotional wounds and claim compassion for ourselves, we often run around seeking approval and validation from especially others. When we carry this insecure need like a sack of rocks dragging behind us and heavily on our shoulders, we search outside of ourselves for the answers. The downside to believing others can fulfill us and make us feel good about who we are is we are allowing them to determine our self worth. The consequence is we do not trust our own opinions, thoughts, and feelings . We claim in our internal sanctum others have our answers and know more then we do and their ideas are more meaningful than our own. Over repeated periods of time of carrying around this false truth, we present as needy and beg for validation outside of ourselves crying for THEM to announce we are okay!! The magical answer, however, my friends, is we each have within us the power to validate ourselves! There are times we do remember this, and we walk through our journey in this thing called life, feeling proud, contented, and inspired of the Who we have involved into and become.
Perhaps if we knew some things that will pull us out of the hole we have dug and climbed into we would experience less the need to go outside of ourselves for our self approval and self validation. We could:
Accept our emotions and feelings without judgement as each comes up.
Remember our feelings are not who we are. Feelings come and go and are always temporary. Breathe-accept and acknowledge feelings-exhale- move forward.
Affirm your authentic true self with statements such as: I am worthy. I am much more than my accomplished performed acts and my experienced failures or setbacks. I trust my inner wise person within as my intuition gives me insightful messages. I do not have to like everyone and everyone does not have to like me. We each do and will make mistakes that we can see as opportunities from which to grow.
Change your inner self talk to words and expressed communications as if you were talking to a close friend. What would you tell him/her in a similar situation?
Each time we practice giving ourself validation, self love, compassion, and acknowledging our own worth it is yet another insurance marker in lifting ourselves up and helping to need less going outside of ourselves to find our personal truth. I believe with all my heart and soul we each are so worthy and amazing. We just forgot to remember! We could even go a step further and remind one another of this !
Before we jump headfirst into the New Year, perhaps we may take some precious time to reflect upon the year we have just experienced. I honor the wisdom and teachings of those Ancient Civilizations that existed in history. Perhaps you , like I, are considering taking some of the areas of past history into your own evolutionary and revolutionary lives. Many of the great civilizations utilized technologies and techniques equal and surpassing our own. The incredible structures of pyramids, temples, and geometric designs tapped into knowledge of quantum physics that we are really just at a core beginning to integrate within our routine systems.
Even with the advanced systems and information in place ancient civilizations fell apart. There clearly were reasons for the crumbling and demise of magnificent cultures and civilizations. Primarily, greed-the obsessive need to exert Power over others-out of control egos- and divisions of the populations including sacred feminine and sacred masculine aspects, ethnicities, gender, race, and other aspects.
Perhaps, you may want to reflect upon the year and your personal experiences . In what specific ways have you demonstrated greed, obsessions to exert personal power, listening and following your ego’s suggestions, and areas you have aligned with separating yourself from other groups of people? Where did you practice more effective ways of living your life? Did you embrace nature more? Did you welcome the opportunity of stillness and quietude when changes of the world continued? How have your interpersonal relationships changed and evolved? Did you willingly or begrudgingly allow those relationships no longer aligning with your Highest Good drop ? How have your communications with yourself and with others been altered? In what ways did you express your creativity or did you resist creative activities ? Did you accomplish your set intentions or did you put various things on hold? How has your life changed ?
I personally carry an opinion for myself that if I am willing to reflect upon where I have been in my life journey and choose to learn from it without beating myself with a proverbial 2×4 , but honoring each step along the way , I can become a better version of myself.
Leonardo da Vinci said : “I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.” When we can choose to reflect upon what worked, what did not work, and how we can creatively design a flexible (not rigid) intention of prosperity of all areas in our lives, I do believe the outcome can be brighter and more fulfilling. I welcome with hope the best me and the best you we can be so our collective vision of the best new world, not a return to the way it was, can manifest right before our very wide, curious eyes!!
I have experienced multitudes of transitions in my life. Over time I began to view these unique changes as opportunities. That does not necessarily mean I jump for joy when a new one is revealed. The good news is when I am willing to reflect upon my own past history of experiences , remembering I have not so far imploded from the inside spewing myself onto the world ,I can trudge my road of unfolding destiny more easily.
I do try to live by an attitude of gratitude even when the very old “What If Syndrome” creeps back into my thoughts. You know…What if I run out of time to get accomplished what I have intentions to do? What if I am the last standing of my blood relatives? What if …….. Looking back none of my “What ifs” stopped me from evolving into a better version of myself!
Cultivating gratitude and continuing my ongoing reprogramming of my subconscious truths has been a major solution. When I am willing to allow gratitude to infiltrate my mind, emotions, and heart my little world becomes abundantly filled with the connection of inner strength, contentment, and mystical experiences that I must be co-creating with a Divine Source even when I have not consciously asked to do so!
Long ago hearing that energy flows where attention goes encouraged me to believe every crazy occurrence really does have a silver lining, and it is my responsibility to my well being to never give up before miracles happen. Maybe you have not noticed but hundreds of miracles really do happen daily IF we get out of the way of blocking our inner eyesight from seeing them.
Here are a few things that have worked lately in the midst of my current and what seems a pretty big internal transformation…
*Bringing up in my mental memory bank in graphic details the unbelievable experiences I have been blessed to receive such as the appearance of a copper butterfly in the winter on the day of the funeral of a loved one, and recently within a week three different hawks in three different locations flew across my car as I was driving.
*Smiling to my inner heart as I send sacred love to my inner self. When I tell myself loudly that I am amazing it gives me warm fuzzies that light up my whole being. I can even tell my tear stained face I am amazing and the alchemical change turns my shadows into golden light.
*Focusing on my exhaling as I breathe deeply down to my belly and align with the breath of life that is a vital part of my body and life force I was born with! This truly helps me remember my physical existence in this world is not by accident and contains value and worth in the world.
*Using the “pause” to stop my overthinking and appreciate the standing people (aka trees), the glorious sky above me, the winged ones (birds) who come flutteringly close , and the nurturing grounding of Mother Earth beneath my feet.
*Thinking about the incredible friends that have entered my life whom I call my tribe. I am blessed with this array of like hearted people who support my vision of love and light , who stand with me through the conglomeration of the awesome, gut-wrenching, and confusions that can appear without warning. As I resonate with each of my tribe, they resonate back to me equal vibrational energy of love and respect.
Walking through changes, transitions, and transformations has taught me to be a walking example of miraculous truth even when I did not ask to be one! I am just a puzzle piece in this thing called life living among the rest of you puzzle pieces, and somehow adding gratitude to the cooking kettle of my experiences seems to lift me up to a place of knowing I can do this, but do not have to do it alone. Ahhh, I just felt that exhale of gratitude all the way down to my toes.
We humans since birth have carried a need to feel appreciated, feel connected, to be heard, and to be validated. In addition, animals and all living things carry the seed of needing connection. Connection is the thread that binds us, the invisible thread we each crave that confirms we are not separate entities because we are really One. Oneness cannot be faked. Connection with the living world is the solution. Disconnection is the problem.
I believe the majority of people think real authentic connections can only exist if we are good enough, kind enough, and giving enough. Isn’t that what religions taught from Day 1….instilling fear of being forever punished if we do not meet those criteria?I propose that if we are willing to be vulnerable, to show up in community and for each other, to extend our hand and hugs , to not give up because we have been hurt, but to open ourselves again and repeatedly as active participants in living life as it unfolds instead of trying to be in control of how we and others are supposed to behave as if we had a copy of a script to live by.
Not only did we become disconnected from each other, many of us also have been disconnected from ourselves! Then we carried that disconnect to being disconnected with the one facet we need so much: a connection with Nature!
How did we become disconnected? We may have been children who expressed the curious wonder of life only to be told by a parent , teacher, or others that we were being silly, not focused on what is important, and as a result not valued. We tried to live our lives molded from values or ideas taught by our caregivers but are no longer sure we actually believe those ideas anymore…but we continue to live out of taught ideas that compromise our core present values! We have bought into the fears that someone else has a better way of living life fully and we try to copy what we perceive they are doing only to subconsciously know this is not who we really are! We grew up in a culture or family being told how we were supposed to act in multi areas and when we were rewarded with approval through love and acceptance by others for doing these things we were still discontent because inwardly we knew we were living the life of someone who was not the person we were! We created a series of mantras and stored them in our subconscious brain and used them as a whipping post of self punishment ( I should be…. If I were worthy I would be doing…….. If I were more like …… I would be successful, etc.) The result :DISCONNECTION from self and relatiionships.
How do we re-connect now and find inner peace and happiness ? Begin by setting the intention to listen to our body and our thoughts without judgement. Watch our feelings just float by as if on puffy clouds in the sky. No need to do anything with feelings and thoughts…just observe and notice. Connect back with ourself by participating in calming activities such as walking in nature, doing creative little things such as coloring-drawing-writing; Listen to music that feels great; Notice how you feel during these times. Create a self love and self compassion practice. Ask: what can I do right now that gives me evidence I am loving myself more? Once we have reconnected with ourself, we can extend this feeling to connecting with others.
Reconnect with others by communicating wants and needs with vulnerability. Present your true self not your false self who has thought you knew what someone else expected of you. Allow your radiant self to shine and accentuate your true personality. Life is not a test! Embrace the joy and pleasure of being who you are! Assess if you keep connecting with others who truly are not resonating with you or you with them. Let them go. This is the best use of disconnecting. Once we are living our true selves, other like hearted souls will show up!
Lastly, reconnect with nature. It is well researched and documented that the effects of nature upon human beings cause deep flourishing aspects to us each socially, psychologically, and emotionally. It will help each of us to cultivate and expand our creativity, resilience, and calm our anxious nervous systems! We need nature . Nature connections will create new neural pathways in our brains, release years of stress, and awaken our sense of belonging . Remember we are One!
Connections are the great solution and disconnections are the blocks.
As the world moves closer to opening up more following a period in time of complete change, I continue to witness divisions among the collective wearing cloaks of rebellion and confusion. There are ,however ,those among my tribe who seem to have surrendered and traded their questions of humanity’s future for a new wardrobe of true compassion. Hoping to embrace unconditional love and genuine respect for my fellow brothers and sisters, I have been observing and reflecting on how I can be the best version of myself in thought and actions. I believe deeply my answer is the practice of Divine Love.
I know my desire and need to be respected never is about what ”they” think about me. It is not about wearing a mask covering my mouth or whether I decide to take or not take a shot. It is about looking within for my self love and self respect, choosing to have my inner masks removed …which only is possible when I get gut level real with myself . I choose to take the inner dive deeper than ever before. In doing so I can either hide like a scared rabbit or be openly vulnerable and risk to make decisions based on not what others believe..but on what I claim and honor for myself. I do not need to push my beliefs on you and for me..I choose to respect your choices in the ever changing world.
The more I set intentions and align with my personal values the more self respect and Divine Love I get to experience. As I practice this way of living my life a few things manifest. I see myself releasing those who are unkind, disrespectful, and emotionally unavailable to me because I am giving myself those very things. I used to hang on to relationships of all kinds because I had history with the people involved. Now it is not that I dislike these past associations but the Universe is showing me the more self respectful I am, the more I attract and choose to nurture relationships that are filled with unconditional loving and respectful people.
I have no need to expend my valuable time and energy hoping others will change to treat me with equal Divine Love. I truly accept them each as they are choosing to be, and keep finding that Love and Respect within that I once thought existed outside of myself . The search is always found by an honest looking within.
I believe we need Unity, not Separation. After all, is that not what real not false illusions, of love about
Survivors of narcissistic relationships, childhood trauma, dysfunctional partnerships or family of origin, controlling parents or bosses, participation in any past emotional or physical battles, and numerous other experiences may have discovered since the world changed bringing the increased stress of the yet to end Pandemic that past triggers have once again raised their insidious heads. Many who had done so much inner work to find their triggers successfully managed in the past yet once again may be feeling a sense of overwhelming shame or despair.
Triggers are physical and/or emotional imprints that can re-emerge when certain smells, sounds, feelings, or tastes are experienced. These triggers are those feelings of being uncomfortable in our own skin which may include situations we would rather not revisit triggering emotional and even physical responses in our body including: betrayal, feeling unheard or ignored, feeling abandoned, feeling shamed, powerlessness, feeling judged, feeling someone is controlling you, feeling someone trying to smother you out of their neediness, feeling alone without any support, someone coming onto you inappropriately or sexually, or someone being too busy to make time for you.
Instead of healing from our emotional triggers we may employ distraction or avoidance techniques that never really worked such as getting angry, acting needy, blaming someone for our pain, using an addiction ( alcohol, drugs, sex, food, etc.), emotionally shutting down, or become overly controlling.
If we knew and remembered our triggers are a gateway and portal to our authenticity, we would affirm they jumped back into our experiences to inform us about ourselves and areas within where we need to heal.
Having a toolbox of self caring solutions is crucial, especially living in such a changed and tipsy-turvy world that feels out of control.
Some helpful strategies:
*Feel the trigger in your body. Our body is our friend and barometer. It never lies to us! Simply observe when triggers appear. * Begin inventorying and ask “ Why am I reacting? What is up with me?” We sometimes want to attack another emotionally or even physically for words or actions that triggered us but that does not help us heal. It only disrespects and causes tensions with another. * Spend time with yourself solo . If you feel degraded or shamed, ask what you are needing in the moment. If you are feeling afraid, ask what are you afraid of and is this fear real? How in this moment can you partner with yourself and become your own Mother and Father to look at the situation with a different perspective.
More Self Care Ideas
*Deep breathing with exhalation *Sing loudly *Dance *Go for a walk in nature *Journal * Run through grass barefoot * Exercise or do yoga * Text or call a friend
*Work with a personal coach to learn how to re-program old and recycled triggers
Write a safety plan and keep it available to yourself! I am a huge fan of sticky notes that I place on walls and mirrors. Self care is self love and we each deserve as much love as we can muster!
Excellent self care apps to check out:
*Happify *Brain.fm *Headspace *Pacifica *Worry Watch *Insight Timer *Jour *Mend *Shine *#SelfCare *I am *Aloe Bud *Sanity&Self *Joy *Sparkle
Remember we are in this thing called life together!