I have been aware for years that relationships offer me the greatest opportunity to grow, and that being said, offer at times the greatest challenges. Recently I have been repeating this mantra to my heart and to my brain. It goes like this: “ When I consciously allow the other person to be who he/she needs to be in the present moment, without my needing or trying to change them, manipulate, or control them to live life according to my agenda, I am loving that person unconditionally.”
I have been applying this idea to ALL relationships, romantic partners, relatives, friends, co-workers, even clients. Taken further, I can apply this to myself by loving and accepting who I am in the moment without judging or treating myself in an unloving way.
When I am loving myself and taking loving actions for and with myself, I am more open to receive and attract harmonic relationships in all areas of my life. However….What if we cannot love ourselves? Believe me, I have known the challenge of looking deeply at myself in a mirror, trying to love what was staring back! The hardest love I have had to experience is self love.
I began the journey of self love a long time ago. The truth, I unearthed, was not that it was some impossible task as much as my fears about it overrided every piece of me! My biggest fear was that I had never been…and could never be ENOUGH! I further discovered buried under this Fear Animal were layers of guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness! I carried deep in my unconsciousness false beliefs of why I was unlovable…especially to myself! All this monkey mind self talk came from messages of others (who also did not love themselves!) and I bought into them hook, line, and sinker…and sink I did into self loathing for many years. I kept trying to find love outside of myself—-alcohol, men, career, education, nicotine, being skinny…anything to fill that hole in my soul. Problem was all were just temporary fixes of instant gratification. I even tried “ good fixes” like yoga, gym workouts, hiking, etc. I was still searching outside of myself for an answer to an inside job!!
Finally I realized , through much gut wrenching pain, that all these attempts with all these negative thoughts I was making myself feel terrible about..were life long patterns..patterns I had no control over. These patterns were controlling me! It was only when I really saw and began to comprehend what my internal chattering was doing to me and how it had been created, that I became willing to do deep inner work…and began to want to receive JOY!
Once I began receiving, accepting, and experiencing joy, Lo and behold my relationships began to change! Those who had been my greatest teachers , the partners- friends- co workers, all who were reinforcing my fearful self loathing beliefs, began to fall apart, disappear and leave my life. The more I opened to receiving unconditional love in practicing more self love, the more new relationships showed up in every area of my life!
Still being a “human doing”, at times fears come up but now I know fears are only there to be embraced and transformed. They are only red flags to grab my attention and whisper “ psssst Are you loving yourself right now?
Finding harmony in relationship with myself, and with others is really simple….unless I choose to complicate it by forgetting the answer does not lie outside of myself, but lives within my own unique heart and spirit.